failure: lies vs. truth.

Most of you know that my son is pastor’s kid (or a PK to those in the circle, WHADDUP CHURCH FOLK? HOLLA AT A GIIIIRL.). Whenever we’re at church, my kid is rarely in my arms. There is usually a line of eager baby-holders behind my kid so long it rivals those at communion tables. And I am usually pretty quick to hand him over because hello he’s adorable and I happen to find peace in the fact that he doesn’t cry when people in my community who didn’t have anything to do with him coming to exist love on him.

But this weekend, someone remarked on this phenomenon in such a way that lit up all the bulbs on my insecurity light board.

“Every time I see Dax, he’s with another woman. He’s going to grow up not knowing who his mother is.”

As offensive as that was, I assumed the person was joking because oh my word who actually says crap like that? Plus, I must say, this person is very dear to me and I know that my son and I are very dear to this person. So I chuckled to myself and made some incomprehensible comeback like, “Haha, yeah, he’s cute, people hold him, chunks, the face, he smells good, hahahahahaha snort.”

But it didn’t end there. The rest of the night, the person took it upon themselves to come to me and report whenever Dax was handed off.

“See? He’s with X person now. And now, he’s with Y person!”

Mmmmmkay. I thought. I get you. He’s a hot little potato right now. Okay. He’s the village bike or whatever.

The straw that broke the insecure mommy’s back, though, came later. My friend was holding Dax while I was standing there talking to her. When this person saw this, they jaunted over and bowed down to look my six-month-old baby in the eye and say, “See, Dax? Your mom is RIGHT THERE and still won’t hold you.”

It was about that time that I pryed Dax out of my sweet friend’s arms and bid the place adieu.

“Okay, y’all. That’s enough. That’s quite enough for me thanks. See you next week if I haven’t been turned in to DCF yet for neglect! lolololol”

Again, I must reiterate, I really adore this person and they adore my family. They are very nice. And probably not menacing in the least. But sometimes, people say things that are unintentionally hurtful.

Since then, I’ve been a walking wreck, questioning every move I make as a mom. And, because it’s just the way I am wired, it’s making me question my abilities everywhere else, too.

Am I sucking as a wife? A writer? A human being in general? Probably. No one has said such things but I bet it’s only a matter of time before someone barges into my house, looks my husband in the eye and says, “See, Dan? Your wife is RIGHT THERE and she’s not, like, cooking you dinner right this second or having some crazy monkey sex with you or WHATEVER I DON’T EVEN KNOW SOMETHING ALONG THOSE LINES, SO YOU BETTER REGULATE SONNNN.”


The past few nights I’ve been lamenting these fears to my poor husband (husband (n): the dude who is contractually obligated to lie next to me each night and listen to me complain about nonsense) and, while he’s been sweetly encouraging in the touchy-feely sense — “Lindsay, you are such a great wife because EXAMPLE and you’re such a great mom because EXAMPLE and blah blah blah” — he’s also been super helpful in the logistical sense.

“What you need to do,” he suggested last night as I lie awash in a sea of my own tears LOL HYPERBOLE IS THE BEST, “is write down all the things you think you’re failing at right now. Then, take a good, hard look at each of them and figure out why you think you’re failing. What about those thoughts are true? What about them are lies? Once you know what’s true and what’s a lie, you’ll feel better and know how to tackle them.”

Well. I guess that’s why I married him. That and the crazy monkey sex.

I’ve found that 99% of the crap I’m worried about is based on lies. Whether it’s a lie someone told me at church — this person may be right about seeing Dax with lots of women during the day but there’s only one woman he clings to in the middle of the night and early in the morning when he really wants to be comforted and feel safe — or a lie I’ve told myself a thousand times — you suck at everything because you’re not like someone else — it’s just a matter of bringing myself back to center to focus on the truth.

I’m a good mom because:

  • my kid is alive and, like, not sick. Or alone. Or afraid of other people. 
  • I change his diaper when he poops in it. That’s gotta get me some points.
  • basically that’s it.

I’m a good wife because:

  • I try to love my husband the way that makes sense to him.
  • when I don’t quite hit the mark, I try again the next day.
  • basically that’s it.

Everything else? Everything else is a lie. And lies are stupid.

While we’re on the topic of lies being stupid — blondes don’t have more fun, okay? They just have more blonde. I would know.

16 thoughts on “failure: lies vs. truth.

  1. Lindsay, you are an amazing Mom. I’ve told you before my kids were never with me at church. Someone else always had them. If anything it has made them more comfortable in their own church community. Dax is happy, healthy, growing like crazy, and learning new things constantly. Obviously you are doing a great job or else he would not have met his milestones. Don’t ever let anyone steal your joy about being a mother! You and your husband are doing an excellent job. He is well loved and it shows.
    Love you bunches,

  2. If I wasn’t a Christian I would say “I’m sorry but the person who said those things about you and Dax is quite frankly an idiot. And I hope said person reads this blog”. But I won’t say that. LOL. That person is never around in the middle of the night when Dax has colic and can’t sleep and you are rocking and cooing and walking the house with him. That person is never around when you nurse, feed, bathe and talk to him. Take what she/he said with a grain of salt. Love you!

      • If that person is a “lovely person” he/she should respond to what the bible says to do if you have something against a person: Go to that person and kindly tell them they offended you. Ask them what their deal is. Try to talk it out. If that doesn’t work, shake the dust off your sandals and be done with it. Most of the time people don’t mean to offend……Good luck honey

  3. Oh, and God loves you simply because you ARE. And what He is. Not for anything you have done or not done. Stop beating yourself up. God loves you just because He is love. Dan loves you that same way. (((hugs)))

  4. Sounds like she is trying to make you raise a son that will be horrified to be touched by other people (even trusted friends in a church). In my opinion having him interact with those people will do nothing but make him as amazingly outgoing and welcoming as his mother.

  5. Its crazy the guilt that we as women let ourselves experience- and often at the hands of other women. You are right, the only way to fight it is with that inventory: “is my man happy? is my babe happy? Yes? ok. Those are the only 2 constituents that get a vote.” 🙂
    i too have one husband, one 5 month son, and work outside the home. I so hear you on this one.

  6. As soon as I heard the words PK lol…that totally explained the pass around baby besides being adorable. EVERYONE wants to hold the Pastor’s baby…it is tradition. Perhaps your friend is going through empty nest or just longing for a baby. Envy deep down in might be the problem…you are doing nothing wrong…don’t you wish someone would be there at 2AM when baby is vomiting and you are up…that shows what a great mom you are, so smile and stick your tongue out… 😛

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