Last week I wrote about all the secrets to waking your kid up from a nap. But I couldn’t do that in good faith without also sharing with you the ways I help my kid stay asleep. Sleep training be darned! Here are the real ways to turn your babe into a professional DreamWeaver.
TOP FIVE WAYS TO KEEP YOUR KID ASLEEP:
- Have an appointment you can’t miss. I know you haven’t seen the dentist since your last baby tooth fell out, but your kid is sleeping so very soundly in his crib and you don’t want to wake him up just for that, now, do you? Your cavities can wait. Unless your teeth fall out on their own first, in which case you don’t have to worry about dental bills!
- Rock your baby to sleep in such a way that, when they’re finally asleep, you’re really uncomfortable. Don’t you dare sit down. You know the second you do, your baby will wake up. You better figure out how to hold twenty pounds absolutely still while standing, possibly leaning awkwardly, in the middle of your baby’s nursery.
- Be very hungry, but also grocery-less. If you’re waiting for your kid to wake up from his nap before you venture out into the world to finally feed yourself for the first time in 24 hours, get cozy on that couch, Mama. This is the once-in-a-blue-moon time that your baby will take a two-, possibly three-hour nap. Good news, though. You can probably take your own nap in this instance, if your hunger pangs aren’t too much to bear.
- On a road trip, have to pee. If you’ve ever been on a road trip with an infant, you know the drill. If they’re awake, they’re screaming outbursts of displeasure at the thought of being in their car seat that long. But the second their tired little eyelids FINALLY close, your bladder will be the one ready to burst. Dare you stop to pee and risk waking your child? Nah. Just wait until they inevitably wake up LOLOLOLOLOL THEY WON’T.
- Let your kid fall asleep at a time during the day that is sure to screw with their sleep schedule. Starting a nap at 6pm? Sure. Why not! They probably won’t wake up ready to start their day at 2AM. Probably.
That’s all I’ve got.
How do you keep your kid asleep?
I’ve only been a parent for six months now (unless you count the nine months I was pregnant and I REALLY THINK YOU SHOULD because being pregnant isn’t, like, easy or anything) but I’ve already mastered the art of waking my kid up from a nap.
I know what you’re thinking. Why, OH WHY, would I ever want to wake my sleeping child? Well, the thing is, I never want to. I just do it.
In the event that you have a kid you just can’t seem to rouse from mid-day slumber, try out any of these tried and true methods.
- Take a shower. Your louffa won’t have a chance to lather before you hear the coos or cries of your sweet, no-longer-napping babe.
- Start painting your nails. You’ll be able to paint one hand flawlessly. But by the time you go to add your first coat to the third finger on your second hand, your baby will awake screaming and needing immediate attention.
- Lay down to take your own nap. Lucid dreams are all you get before your sweet little one is ready to play!
- Make yourself a cup of coffee. You might not be aware of this but the drip coffee maker you have (every model, by the way) is directly connected to your child’s brain. The second the last fresh drop of delicious java hits your pot, your baby’s eyes, mouth, and all-too-audible lungs will shoot open. If you’re lucky, his or her diaper will also be bust open. It’s okay. Coffee is still drinkable if you have to microwave it.
- Prepare for yourself a meal that is best enjoyed whilst warm. Don’t worry. You probably won’t get food-borne illness if you eat your meal three hours later when you finally get back to it. Probably.
- Start a much-needed chore. It’s not your baby’s fault that the dishes are as tall as you are and your sink smells like a butt crawled inside another butt and then both of those butts died. (Okay, just kidding, it is your baby’s fault but you can’t be mad at them, right?)
- Begin to construct a well thought out blog post. Now you know why this blog has been lackluster lately.
- Shave your legs. Hope you like walking around with only one leg half-shaved because the second that razor touches your overgrown appendages, your baby’s squeals will flood your bathroom faster than your shower head could.
- Hold a conference call. Working from home moms, I know you think you’re so smart to schedule your conference calls during your baby’s nap times but LOL LET’S BE HONEST THEY KNOW BETTER THAN YOU DO.
- Put in your favorite workout DVD in an attempt to finally lose that baby weight. More chub to love, am I right, ladies?
There you have it. Ten sure fire ways to wake your kid up from a nap. Stay tuned — I’m also an expert on keeping them asleep, so I’ll share that knowledge later.
Happy sleep deprivation, moms!