Tag Archives: baby

blogging in the dark.

It’s 2:00 AM and for the better part of an hour I’ve been lying here in the dark, desperately pleading for sleep to take over, but it just won’t. And so, why keep up the fight? 

As I type this, exhausted and bleary-eyed, I’m being serenaded by the subtle sounds of my husband’s even breaths on my left and the white noise machine wooshing through the baby monitor on my right, gently reminding me that while I may be lonely, I am not alone. 

Which, at this juncture in my life, is a powerful blessing. 

Several weeks ago, this was me. Dan and I had just discovered that I was pregnant with our second child. We were so excited to welcome a sweet little sibling for Dax.

photo

 

A week ago, we were at a friend’s birthday party. Between laughs and hugs with these new friends, we’d sneak away for a little bit to gush about our little secret, hoping no one would notice that I was mysteriously avoiding the beer and wine. About halfway into the shindig, when I went to the rest room, my stomach twisted into stinging knots when I noticed that I had started to bleed. 

We left the party in a rush, citing a made-up excuse about how Dax was too fussy for our babysitter, and went straight to the emergency room. Four hours, blood work, and an ultrasound later, they couldn’t tell us why the bleeding was happening. They just ordered me to be on bed rest and to come back if it got worse. 

Monday it got worse. So we went back. Then, more blood work and another ultrasound confirmed what, at that point, we already knew.

We lost our baby. 

And so, you see, I am not only literally in the dark, but my spirit has also found itself swallowed up by a powerful darkness. One I’ve never experienced or thought I ever would experience. The agonizing pain of grief, coupled with the painful physicality of what it means for my body to go through miscarriage. Each cramp in my abdomen brings with it the most wretched feeling in my heart, as if part of it is also being broken down and expelled. 

Some of you may be upset that this is the way you’re finding out. Please don’t be offended. The thing is, it’s hard enough to have to tell this story right now, let alone having to tell it several times. Please understand.

My mom came down to be with us and care for Dax while we grieve, which looks much different for the two of us. Dan’s been pretty sad, but functional, only letting his emotions show when we’re alone. Me, on the other hand? I’ve gone from sad, to angry, to frustrated, to questioning, to really freaking pissed off, to sad, and back to angry again, all making me completely incapacitated. All I can do well at this point is day-sleep. 

But last night, Mom watched Dax while Dan and I went on a date. Just the two of us. We had dinner at a cute local place (complete with copious amounts of booze for yours truly) and then dessert at the Cheesecake Factory where, in my loopy, grief-stricken state, I forgot that I actually don’t like cheesecake. But we laughed. And we kissed. And we were grateful for each other and the chunky little boy at home who didn’t know that he’d lost a sibling and was happily waiting for us to come home and kiss him goodnight. 

Sunday night, as I was laying in bed praying to God that what was happening to my body would just stop and that my little baby would be okay, God quietly laid a name on my heart. A name I knew was the name of the child I would never hold. And so the next day, when we got the confirmation at the ER, I shared the name with Dan. And he accepted it, too. (I don’t really want to share it here, but if you want to know it, you can ask.)

It is common, the doctor told us. One in three pregnancies will end like this. “Better luck next time,” he shrugged, as he awkwardly backed out of my hospital room. 

And that was it.

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Filed under personal

things i love thursday! (june 13, 2013)

It’s REALLY hot out and it storms everyday. But, so long as you time your day right, you don’t get caught in it and everything is great!

piano

THINGS THAT MADE ME SMILE THIS WEEK:

  • Catching up with THIS GUY over a hoard of technologies in one sitting.
  • My Fridays out to myself.
  • Meeting lovely girls who want to watch my baby.
  • Going to the farmers market alone, even though it was terribly hot.
  • Crepes for breakfast!
  • Having my husband home on Sunday after a long week.
  • Finally getting into a routine with Dax.
  • Cooking. (I know — who am I?)
  • A much-needed hour-long phone conversation with my dear friend Andrea.
  • Going to Starbucks and not buying anything. (What are you gonna do? I used your WiFi, too! #AMERICA)
  • Hashtags in texts.
  • Also, #hashtag.
  • Birthday texts.
  • Learning fun songs.
  • Accidentally making old people blush which, in turn, made me blush.
  • Whenever Dan comes home.
  • Whenever Dan goes to work (because he loves it, and that is fun to watch!).
  • Secret DIY projects.
  • Outings with my little guy.
  • Dax now mimics us when we stick out our tongues and when we “fake” cough. So fun!
  • Donut Day!
  • Jammin’ with new musician friends!
  • Also, doing so on a piano that once belonged to Sir Elton. (I DIE.)
  • Ordering chinese food in.
  • Dax’s first spaghetti!
  • I know I’ve said it already but the sunsets here are seriously killer.
  • Running with Dan and Dax in the morning when it’s not a bajillion degrees yet.
  • Random accents.
  • Nursing Dax until he falls asleep on me. I love that he still does that at almost 1 year old.
  • How is my baby almost a year old?!?! Whatever — best year of my life!
  • The demise of wedding-related garments. It’s sad, but it still made me smile, because it reminded me of the day I married my favorite person in the whole world.
  • His beard.

What do YOU love this week, people?!

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Filed under things i love thursday

update from the dark.

Oh hey, there. I know. It’s been quiet around here. Here’s why.

One week ago, I read this disturbing article about how the Internet — social media in particular — is making us crazy. It really freaked me out. It gave me so much anxiety that I couldn’t sleep.

So I decided to go on an indefinite social media (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram) fast. Not just a “fast”, either. Like I legitimately deleted the apps from my iPhone and EVERYTHING. (Crazy, right? My smart phone is pretty dumb at this point. Unless you give some cred to the Uno app which, by the way, is super duper and I’m so glad I spent 99 cents on it!)

It’s not that Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram are inherently bad, perse. That’s not what I’m saying and I don’t think that’s what the article is saying. But it did raise a lot of harrowing truths about our society’s obsession with and actual addiction to these sites and the Internet as a whole.

I’ve been on this “cleanse” for about a week and already I see how I was basically tethered to social media. So many times in the first 24 hours of this fast I found myself mindlessly reaching for my phone, unlocking the screen… only to come to and realize that — oh yeah — I have nothing to look at. I “tried” to tweet FOUR TIMES while I was at the farmers market with my son. Four. Times.

Yikes. What in the name of all things holy would I need to tweet at 9am on a Saturday outing with my baby? That the carrots look extra orange today? The yellow squash is just a tad squishy for my taste? That the Maya Wrap is still ruling our world at 8 months? That there is a Girl Scout cookie booth set up for the first time? (Okay, that one almost deserved a tweet. Also I did buy Thin Mints and Trefoils, obviously.)

It’s been quite the sobering experience. But also liberating. I feel like I’m finally back in touch with reality.

That said, this week has been one full of things that are actually kind of social media worthy. So, without further ado:

HERE IS A LIST OF THINGS I’VE BEEN DYING TO TWINSTABOOK (Twitter-Instagram-Facebook) ALL WEEK:

1. my son’s milestones.

Well, this week was fit for the baby book, y’all.

  • FIRST WORD. Yep, this is a biggie. Dax said his first word just hours after I went on my social sabbatical. Of course. His first word was “dada” and everything is dada right now. Dada is dada, of course. But I am also dada. Also the pacifier. Also food. Also you. Yes, you reading this. You are dada, no paternity test required.
  • We are fitting him for his first suit! He’s the ring bearer in my cousin’s wedding next week. You guys. Wait until you see. You will pass out from the cuteness.
  • FOURTH TOOTH. There are four little chompers in that mouth now. In case you are wondering, we are still breastfeeding like champs and he doesn’t bite. * phew *
  • EIGHT MONTHS OLD. Ack. Time. Where are you going?!

8 months

2. i got straight bangs. 

Y’all. I haven’t had bangs like this since I was SEVEN. That is literally TWENTY YEARS AGO. Yikes. Anyway, my normal stylist is on maternity leave for another month but I had some serious roots showing and am in a wedding next week. So I saw my other friend and let her run wild on my head, which meant straight bangs and ombre color. Here is the before/after photo.

before_after

3. we’ve got some prospects.

We’ve been doing a lot of interviewing in central (and even south?) Florida, so I think we might not actually be homeless at the end of April. Hooray!

4. i’m learning photography.

I’m taking an online photography certification course which is, eh, okay I guess. Not because I want to be a professional photographer by any means but because I have a kick-butt DSLR that I’ve been treating like a point-and-shoot and I’m just over it. The whole point of me shelling out the cash for a DSLR was so I could take good pictures of my baby and not fork over money to legit photographers. Sorry for the honesty, y’all but we broke folks GOTTA BRING THE HUSTLE.

So. What’s the biggest thing I’ve learned from this photography class?

It’s freaking hard, okay. So much more difficult than just having a nice camera. Pat a photographer on the back next time you see one. Respect.

Alright, so, now you’re caught up! Back to your regularly scheduled Internet addiction.

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Filed under baby love, commentaries, life, motherhood

things i love thursday! (december 13, 2012)

Image

Because what else could I possibly want?

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Filed under baby love, gushes, life, reasons my husband rocks

big news!

As promised yesterday, I’ve got some big news to blog about!

I don’t know if you’ve noticed (you probably haven’t, and that’s okay) but my posts have tapered off in frequency as of late. No, I haven’t totally been a slacker. I’ve just been afraid to blog because I’m so bloody honest and have the worst time keeping secrets.

But I don’t have to keep it a secret any more!

We’re having a baby!

8 Weeks

I am 12 weeks pregnant! As much as I tried to use my hatred for laundry as effective birth control, I am happy to report that I have failed. Dan and I are elated to be expecting our first child this July!

A lot of people asked if I’d be blogging throughout the pregnancy and yes, yes I will. But don’t worry — this blog is not turning into a mommy blog. I know that I’d lose probably the majority of my readership if I did that. Dan and I have actually started a separate blog on which we both post, so if you’d like to check that out, you can do so here:

http://durrenbaby.wordpress.com

Thanks for supporting me on this crazy new journey! I imagine my body image blogging is going to become a lot more passionate as I become a lot more round.

xoxox,
Lindsay and Durrenbaby

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Filed under God, gushes, life, pregnancy, reasons my husband rocks