what it’s like to be afraid of a blog.

I mentioned yesterday that I took a three-month blogging hiatus for personal reasons. While I don’t want to go into all of them, I will say that a big part of my problem was that I was just plain scared of my blog.

Which is super dumb because my blog can’t, like, hurt me or anything. For crying out loud it isn’t even a tangible thing. And I created it. But regardless, I was (and am still a little bit) afraid of it.

So. What’s does it look like to be afraid of a blog?

1. A blank draft page shuts down all of your brain cells. 

I never realized how much power a set of HTML code could have over a person until I tried to blog and the mere sight of a blank draft paralyzed me. What once came so naturally to me — stringing words together to form coherent thoughts — was suddenly impossible. I would get a blog idea, open my dashboard, see the blank page, and then…

Screen Shot 2015-01-29 at 6.51.55 PM

2. This leads you to believe your blog will steal your other powers. 

First writing, then what? Speaking? Spelling? Breathing? I wasn’t sure how far my blog was going to go, so I felt it was best to play it safe and keep my blog at a distance. I can’t afford to have my blog shut down my lungs on top of my brain, too. That would surely kill me.

3. You forget that you ever blogged in the first place. 

I would have conversations with my friends about their lives, and they would casually mention the blogs they follow or their Bloglovin’ feeds or whatever. And I would nod along stupidly, drool a little bit, and then utter something along the lines of:

“Blogs haha wow blogs those are cool blogs what is a blog can you tell me more about your internets.”

4. You admit defeat.

Your WordPress app’s dormancy then defines your blog’s (and your, by extension) state of life. Blog post ideas float into your head and so quickly out, because your brain’s muscles have atrophied from months of non-use. Your future flashes before your eyes and you see yourself explaining to your grandchildren, “I had a blog once…oh yes, your grandmother knew how to blog. And then one day… it just…left.

——————————–

The thing that sucked the most about being afraid of my blog was that I was afraid of something that was so inherently me. Without getting too psycho-babbly, that’s fodder for a chaise lounge and a paid professional, right? Like being afraid of my blog made me afraid of a little part of myself.

And that reminded me of the reason I started blogging in the first place — because I can’t afford therapy.

So, I diagnosed myself in need of some therapy and got back on the horse. And here we are.

*crickets*

So uh.

Hey there. :)

Been awhile. :)

7A770A85-769A-4D7E-AF71-10E25A426755

There are a lot of reasons for my three-month (!!!) blogging hiatus. And all of them are personal. So, uh, sorry, but I don’t really want to go into them. But here’s what you need to know for right now:

1. I’m back.

2. For, like, good.

3. I got pregnant while I was gone. Due in June!

4. You better be ready for some serious blogging.

K thanks.

Sincerely,

The Worst Blogger Ever

treats.

I haven’t been very good about blogging the past couple days. And even now, my computer is dead and I’m too lazy to plug it in (winning) so I’m writing this post on my phone.

Please forgive me?

If nothing else, please take this modest offering of my dear child in his Halloween costume all dressed up for his school’s Trunk or Treat. (He was Spider-Man, of course.)

He didn’t want to put the costume on at first, and so Dan and I were certain he would demand that it be taken off after a few minutes, but on the contrary — he loved it!

IMG_8813.JPG

He even kept the mask on!

IMG_8838.JPG

He happened to love it SO much that I had to pry it off of him while he cried so he could take a bath and get ready for bed.

IMG_8847.JPG

A hero never sleeps, I suppose. :)

silence.

Despite always being surrounded by a plethora of friends (or people who seem to not hate me) I’ve always kind of had a loud mouth. I’ve always said what was on my mind without any any real regard for what repercussions might arise because hey, it’s the truth, even if it sucks, so don’t shoot the messenger okay?.

Regarding this personality trait of mine, my husband recently referred to me as both a “firecracker” and a “loose cannon” in the same day. I asked him if that was a compliment or not.

“I’m not sure,” he replied. And my stomach twisted a little bit.

Up to that point, I would have liked to believe that maybe this flaw is just part of my seemingly unending charm ( :D ) but that all changed when I was having coffee with a sweet, deeply introverted friend of mine a few months ago. When discussing our personality differences in this area, she said, “I just don’t ever want to speak unless what’s about to come out of my mouth is more beautiful than silence.”

And that kind of wrecked me. As Spider-Man teaches us, with great power comes great responsibility and similarly, with the ability to speak your mind also comes the discernment to know whether or not what you’re about to say is worth a damn.

As a boisterous, loud- (and typically foul-) mouthed, extroverted spirit through and through, it’s been really hard to feel comfortable being myself in this way lately, if I’m honest. Whenever I get fired up and feel entitled to spout off about something, a bit of shame creeps in and keeps me from doing so.

Is this a correct reaction? No, but every time you change, it’s going to be met with discomfort for a while until it isn’t foreign anymore.

Today a friend of mine shared some bible verses with me that really convicted me in this area so, of course, I’m going to share them with you so if you’re like me you can feel bad about yourself too.

Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. And do not bring sorrow to God’s Holy Spirit by the way you live. Remember, he has identified you as his own, guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. – Ephesians 4:29-32

Yeah I’m the worst. But I’m working on it.

love.

We cannot see light. We can only see the things the light illuminates. When we walk along the beach at sunset, we don’t say to ourselves, “What a pretty light.” We say, “What beautiful colors in the sky. What amazing sparkles dancing on top of the waves. What a beautiful sunset.

Similarly, we cannot see love. We can only see the people in our lives illuminated by our love. When I see my son or my husband, I don’t say to myself, “How amazing is love?” But instead, “How incredible are these people I’m blessed to call my family? The way my husband laughs makes me smile. The way my son holds my hand brings me such joy. I love them so much.”

Love does not “exist” but rather brings things and people into existence.

And for that I am grateful.

little victories.

I just got done reading this article about who Supermom is (it’s click bait, certainly, so I’m sure you can figure it out). And, as a mom, of course it resonated with me.

I think the reason there is so much pressure put on moms (on dads, too, but to a lesser degree) is that there really is a lot at stake. I mean, you’re shaping a human being. The decisions you make each day have a direct effect on the person entrusted in your care and will inevitably contribute to conversations had in a comfy chair in a therapist’s office years later.

In the day-to-day of motherhood, each day brings with it the little failures — the tantrums, the times you lose your patience and raise your voice, the times your kid wakes up in his crib before you and, when you finally hear him, it’s after a poopsplosion, etc. And because the stakes are so high, it’s easy to focus in on those little failures and deduce that you’re doing a really horrible job.

Yayyyyy… :\

But just like in everything, the fact is that sometimes you nail it, and sometimes you don’t. So why not focus on the times you nail it?

As our weekend is winding down, I gotta say *brushes shoulders off* this weekend, we nailed it.

That is, we are currently celebrating a few small victories in our house. Notably:

  • Dax’s lunch was comprised COMPLETELY of vegetables yesterday. And he asked for more! (So what if it was just cucumbers? Baby steps.)
  • He now understands reasoning, so instead of completely freaking out and throwing the dinner I make him, he allows me to bribe him to eat his dinner with things like animal crackers and marshmallows. It’s not perfect, but I’d rather him have a belly full of real food and marshmallows than going hungry like he had been.
  • He has learned how to actually kiss. And I would venture to say that there are few things better than the feeling of little tiny toddler lips on your cheek. Ugh. So perfect!

So yeah. It’s been a good one. :)

reality.

Like I was saying the other day, no one can prepare you for the things you believe you are capable of and the things you actually are capable of. This goes both ways; just like you are far more capable of doing certain things that you might think you can’t, there are some other things that you feel capable of that you just aren’t.

This is what we like to call a reality check.

For me, September and October have been the months of reality checks. For some reason, these two months I’ve gotten some wild hairs up my butt or SOMETHING that have “inspired” (???) me to try a bunch of new things.

But not just try them — dive head first into them.

  • Blog everyday for 31 days
  • Work out everyday for 30 days
  • Reread the entire Harry Potter series (I’m on book 6 since starting 5 weeks ago)
  • Meal plan every week
  • Come up with and maintain weekly chores schedule
  • Continue doing other life things as usual

Let me just be honest and say that this blog post is not like the one in which I find out I’m capable of way more than I think I am. Oh, on the contrary. REALITY CHECK: I am stretched T H I N.

But it’s all good, though! Because sleep is great. And sometimes I do that sleep thing.