my “normal”.

My baby boy is eight weeks old today. I know it’s cliche and all, but seriously — time flies when it comes to kids. These eight weeks have zoomed by me in a sleep-deprived blur. I feel like it was just yesterday we were being admitted into the delivery room and seeing this face for the first time.

But no. That was eight weeks ago. Those images, compared to the face I saw when I woke up this morning…

 

…blow my mind. He’s already grown and changed so much.

As you’ve noticed, the blog has been quiet these last two weeks. That’s been both unintentional (Dax has had reflux and colic going on which makes for one tired and busy momma) and intentional. I’ve been savoring these precious last weeks as a stay-at-home mommy. When I found that I had some time, I could either snuggle my boy or put him down and blog. Naturally, I chose the former.

A couple weeks ago, I went to a bible study at my church that is comprised of all moms. The newest mom there, I felt a bit awkward and out of place at first. I was the least experienced mother in the circle — still in the throes of nightfeeds and blowout diapers, and nowhere near potty training or choosing a preschool — and felt like I had nothing to offer. Despite my extremely outgoing nature, I spent the better part of the “socializing time” just sitting on the couch, staring at my feet, wondering if I could contribute anything worthwhile to the conversation. I decided that, nope, I couldn’t. Those moms had all been-there-done-that. It’s been quite some time since I’ve felt that strange about being around other people. (That also may have had something to do with my severe lack of personal hygiene but hey, showers are hard to come by these days.)

As we settled in to the devotion, I started to feel a bit more comfortable. A bit more like I belonged. I eased into the discussion and back into my normal skin as I listened to Margo, a good friend and the group leader, read that week’s lesson. It was called, Waiting for Normal.

I don’t remember the specifics of the story, but I do know that it was about a mom who compared her family life — her husband working long hours, never home for dinner, the kids on a weird schedule — with that of her neighbor’s — dinner on the table at the same time every night, the family always together, etc. Sadly, she deduced that her neighbor’s life was “normal” and hers was not. Therefore, she saw no point in trying to maintain a “normal” schedule until her husband stopped working such bizarre hours. She ordered pizza every night instead of cooking. She didn’t enforce a bedtime routine. She said she was just “waiting for normal” in order for life to be worth it.

That devotion was really convicting to me.

You see, when Dan and I first got married, we made an agreement to not have kids until we were in a financial position where I could stop working and stay home with them. Well, as you know, Dax came before we were anywhere near that position. The entirety of my pregnancy and the majority of the first weeks of motherhood, I’ve been fretting over our lack of “normal”. As each day would pass, my maternity leave running out like grains of sand in an hour glass, I would get more and more anxious about the fact that I have to return to work soon because that’s not “normal”. What’s “normal” is what Dan and I agreed on when we got married.

I felt like I was being held at gunpoint and forced to make a choice between my baby and my job. If I chose my baby, everything would be ruined. We wouldn’t be able to afford our apartment, our cars, food, or healthcare. But if I chose my job over my babyeverything would be okay.

Everything, that is, except for the fact that it’s not “normal” and my baby would suffer because of it.

Naturally, the end of the devotion came with the woman realizing that just because her “normal” was different from her neighbor’s didn’t mean it wasn’t “normal”. It was just a different “normal”.

Monday morning, I’ll walk back into my office after having eight wonderful weeks with my boy. The transition will be hard, of course, but the thing I have to remember is that this is my “normal”. I’m not choosing my job over my baby. I’m just choosing my baby in a different way. By going back to work, I’m choosing for him to have health insurance and clothes and diapers and every other baby amenity out there. Just because this isn’t the “normal” I envisioned for myself, it is our “normal”.

And it’s perfect.

 

About these ads

5 Comments

Filed under baby love, faith, God, life, on the job, transformation

5 responses to “my “normal”.

  1. Well said – and thankfully for you, you realized it this early on. My kids are 6 and 2 and I’m stilling using everyone elses “normal” as what I should strive to be. Thank you for shedding some light on the fact that we all have our own “normal” and we should be happy with that! Best of luck back to work. =)

  2. Nikki Scho

    You guys will find your new-new routine and settle in to a perfectly “normal” life. It’s wonderful that you have a proper job that’s worth going back to, so that you can provide so much for Sir Daxington.
    If I had ever had a “career” instead of horrible temp jobs that earned me no money, I’d be planning to go back to work after Rowan comes, but as it is, i’ve never earned enough money to pay for day care, so home I’ll stay. Thank God Paul has a real job, but I’m going to live in constant fear that he’ll get hit by a bus, or laid off, or who knows what…then all our eggs are in one rotten basket. I pray that I will, in time, be able to create the legitimate career that I crave and be able to show my children that I am more than just their mom, that I am a worthwhile, fully realized human being in my own right. I’d like to inspire them to achieve their dreams.
    You will already be well on your way to showing Dax just how awesome and fulfilled his mommy is, and that’s amazing! Enjoy rejoining the world of grownups again, and know that you’ll have every evening and weekend to snuggle your darling bundle.

    Break a leg at work, super mom! You’re fabulous!

  3. This is so beautiful because it pertains to all aspects of life – childcare, careers, marriage, body image – we shouldn’t compare any aspect of our lives with the world around us because that would mean cheating ourselves of experiencing the joys of our own journeys.

  4. momma D

    We are so proud of you Lindsay. You ARE already the rank of ‘supermom’….I too returned to work after my children were born…I always had a ‘home’ job of sorts to provide extra income needed.Whether it was home daycare or artistic painting or internet sales, it provided an outlet too for me to feel a little more normal about myself and a connection to the outside world, despite how much I loved the ‘zoo’ at home, every mom needs it…..Enjoy everyday to the fullest…a friend of mine provided a Skype camera (very inexpensive) for her newborn’s babysitter to connect with her baby while at work…. we are trying to make our way down there as soon as we can. Love, hugs and kisses to you all….Momma D

  5. Katie Glaser

    I couldn’t have said it better myself! I struggle with our “normal” EVERY day – being at work instead of with the boys. It’s hard for me to accept and not feel guilty esp with friends that don’t need to work. I truly hope it’s just a “season” and I’ll have more flexibility to be with them more soon.

    Hope your 1st days back go well! Talk to you next week :0)

    -Katie

    Sent from my iPhone

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s